You Might Also Like
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Candles never taste the way they smell
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
wtf is an acronym
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own