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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
wtf is an acronym
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.