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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
there’s probably a fee though
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate