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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
My teenage children choosing violence
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
nobody’s gonna understand