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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
You had me at “define legal”.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.