Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

The three genders

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

[on my way back to the posting caves]

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.