84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Spotted in New Orleans.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water