84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
motivation
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Geez man, take it easy.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Cndnsd Mlk
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!