You Might Also Like
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
*skinny dips into black hole
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho