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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.