You Might Also Like
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me checking my bank balance online.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.