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Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.