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Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.