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Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor