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I would like even faster food.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’