You Might Also Like
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I think I’ll stand
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm