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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.