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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
$4 #usedbooks
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.