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him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”