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Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂