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Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting