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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.