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A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.