You Might Also Like
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
selena gomez
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!