*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
You Might Also Like
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
they split up moments later
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.