85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
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*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter