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Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
This is a bad sign
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.