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I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined