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*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Sponch
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.