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Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Worth a try
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security