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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
My sex drive has a dui
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down