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me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
motivation
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.