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When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.