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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.