You Might Also Like
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
😂 amazing answer
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
cyclists
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?