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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I need this for my side hustle.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now