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You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
saw this in a dream
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing