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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.