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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2