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MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Yup.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
So we got a goldfish…
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler