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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Just me and my debit card against the world
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this