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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?