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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
bears
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted