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Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
house sitting!
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats