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Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Autocorrect completely socks
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…