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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!