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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..