87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Only short people can save us
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]