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When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Botany good plants lately?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.