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[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
What the hell happened in there??
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.