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Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.