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Terribly Tuesday.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?