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Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My inexpensive home security system…
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately